Reach out - change is possible

I remember a neighbour was looking over the fence when I was getting a hiding and didn’t do anything. And I’m thinking – are you serious? They said afterwards ‘I just didn’t know what to do.’ I wanted them to ring the cops, yell and scream. Because then [the cops arriving] wouldn’t have been my fault. (Victim/Survivor)

You need people that are real and not going to lie to you. People that are truly there for all the right reasons, not because they’re paid to. Not because they have to but because they want to, not because of your past or your reputation or the drugs or money or things you can get for them. Because they truly want to see you succeed. (Perpetrator)

Someone’s in trouble – but you don’t know what to do. Should you say something or should you mind your own business?

Most of us have had this feeling at some time. We ignore it, play it down, tell ourselves, “It’s not our problem”.

The next phase of the It’s Not OK campaign against family violence is about encouraging people to take action when they know something is happening and someone needs help – and not just in a crisis situation.

New TV advertisements are based around a creative idea depicting people as cardboard cut-outs; they all know something is wrong but they are waiting for someone else to say something or make the first move.

Reach out and learn how to help

The main message from the advertisements is that when you know someone who’s living with family violence, it’s hard to know what to do… but the sooner you reach out, the sooner they can get the help they need.

The TV advertisements and supporting campaign work are about helping people break through their fear to help and, more importantly, encouraging people to provide effective support – rather than offering judgmental and potentially harmful help.

Research commissioned for the campaign involved talking to victims and perpetrators of family violence, and those who tried to help them. The findings paint a picture of what “good help” looks like, and also the kind of help that doesn’t work.

The ‘right’ kind of support

Both victims and perpetrators felt that, even when offered with good intentions, some help did more harm than good. Overall, the best support is non-judgmental and supports people to make their own decision in their own time. They were greatly influenced when at least one person believed in them and believed they were capable of making a positive change.

One such helper puts it best: “You just have to believe in them until they can believe in themselves”.

People spoke about the importance of family and friends as the primary source of support. Most people said they preferred to receive support from those around them, such as whānau, family and friends – the people they would turn to when facing other problems in their lives.

Some survivors spoke about how the violence crept up on them, leaving them unsure about what was normal or acceptable. Having an objective person label the abuse for them was important.

“She told me it wasn’t right,” says one victim/survivor. “It was a pivotal moment because [the abuser] always told me it was right, and I made him angry, and if I had just listened to him… But she told me it wasn’t OK what he was doing, and it got worse. So I did something about it.”

It’s support, not advice, that victims/survivors and perpetrators find useful.

While both victims and perpetrators felt they needed care and support, the people victimised needed an approach that would boost their confidence and reduce isolation. Perpetrators needed an approach that challenged the acceptability of their behaviour.

The research found that unsolicited advice was unhelpful, as were plans that overrode victims’ and perpetrators’ choices. The only exceptions were crisis situations with a clear and immediate element of danger, in which case, police were usually called.

It was particularly difficult when the timetable for ‘help’ was controlled by the helper. Most victims of abuse who successfully left violent relationships made their own decisions about when they left, whereas those who were ‘rescued’, thought they felt that they had little or no control over the leaving, almost always went back.

Says one victim: “My eldest brother had rung up and said why don’t they just come in and get me out – but I think I would have gone back. It’s something about that readiness... It’s getting to the breaking point.”

Talking man-to-man

While women were more likely to help victims/survivors, most perpetrators reported that the most effective help came from men, that at least half the perpetrators received help from respected peers. These included fellow inmates, friends who had experienced or perpetrated violence and had changed their behaviour, and people they met through support or anger management groups. Many of the effective help-givers had ‘walked the talk’ and were able to model respectful behaviour.

Challenging the behaviour and not the person is important. Since many helpers were angry with the perpetrator, they risked belittling not the behaviour, but the perpetrator – which both victims and perpetrators found unhelpful.

For some survivors, just one offer of help was enough. For others, the offers needed to be sustained and consistent, sometimes over years.

The It’s Not OK campaign is led by the Ministry of Social Development, in association with the Families Commission. The research was prepared by Point Research for MSD’s Centre for Social Research and Evaluation.